Amy's blog

I was laid off in March and my company gave us $7500 to go back to school. I took advantage of the funding and started in June. Ok- I have been out of school for 18 years and my own daughter is a freshman in college this year. Thank God we are going to different schools. How embarrising would that be for your mom to be in your English Comp class? To say the least I was nervous as hell the 1st week. I also felt that I had been intellecually starved for years. I ate up everything they offered. Well, I just had my 1st mid term in Philosophy (we only get this test and then the final so if you suck at your midterm it will really bring your whole grade down) I was a nervous wreck! couldn't sleep, eat, bad dreams of waking up late and missing the test, etc.

Well, I talked to my mom about how "it keeps coming up". I told her how I get "paralyzed" lying in bed sometimes, that I have vivid dreams of the past, I'm concerned about my marriage because I feel that I cannot tell my husband the past. He and my dad are very close, i.e. sports, cards, etc. She was very receptive and told me that HE did this and she wishes she would have left, blah blah blah. I really don't feel any better or worse but I am glad that she knows what is going on in my head. I know nothing will change and that I will always have to work towards inner peace and that none of this is my fault.

Just when I think I am "over" my abuse it comes right back and slaps me in the face. Whether it be in dreams or in just talking to my dad on the phone. Everything is "normal " now, right? Mom and dad are still married (50yrs) my sisters have seemed to get over the abuse we suffered by my father. Even he seems to act like it never happened. But now, at the age of 36, it is worse than ever. i tried to kill the pain with alcohol and drugs, work and school, rasing a family and getting married. Counseling sounds great but I am ashamed. Everyone thinks we have the perfect family. Stacey, we are the same age, I grew up in Ferguson, not too far from you. Why didn't I kill the bastard? I could have.