Stacey Lannert's blog

I am often asked, 'What is the biggest challenge since your release?'

I must humbly admit that my biggest hurdle is being public restrooms. In 1990 when I was last free, we did not have automatic flush toilets, hands-free hand soap, heat-sensor faucets or robot towel dispensers.

You should have seen my face the first time I stood up from a toilet, and it flushed on its own. It scared me so badly that I almost had to sit back down! I wondered if I had leaned on something, or if it was broken.

My car, which I have to admit is a beater, AKA hooptie, is old. It is a 1992 Honda with more than 323,000 miles on it. The thing runs, and it usually runs well. I paid $700 cash for it, draining my bank account. I love that it gives me independence and freedom. I love that it's mine.

The other day, I was on a long drive, and my brakes would not work. I thought it was just my sandal slipping off the brake. I felt silly, until it happened again. My brakes were not working properly and I was afraid. I kept my hand on the emergency brake the entire time just in case I needed it.

Today was the first Mother’s Day I have spent with my Mom in 18 years. I was wondering how it would go for us. The day before, something small happened, and I was a bit perturbed. That's when I had to go and pick out her card.

I thought it was funny and ironic to look at the June Cleaver cards in the aisle. We were nothing like that--who is? I wondered if I would ever find a card to fit my mom's and my relationship.

Believe it or not, it was there. I found a wonderful card that said, "Even though we struggle, I love you and am lucky to have you, because I am. I only get one mother in this life and need to be thankful I have one, many don’t."

Yesterday I went to Brooks Brothers for an outfit to wear for a television appearance. I didn't shop in prison, and I wrote about how overwhelming shopping can be. My friend paid for the outfit in advance (thank you!), so I was comfortable knowing I had the right to be there. But I must admit, I was still intimidated. There was so much atmosphere there. It was like a sense of class and tradition that I did not belong to. I meekly entered the store and stood patiently until a sales representative approached me. I stood there in my Levi jeans and Fashion Bug top and felt totally out of place.

This morning I woke to a cup of fresh coffee and enjoyed it outside on the patio watching the sun ease into her place. I admired her grace and how she rises with ease each morning and gently fades from our sight with charm each evening. She is so powerful and so strong that she could shine brilliantly every hour of every moment, but instead she chooses to gently come and go.

I suppose this is a loaded question and that people who have not been physically incarcerated would automatically answer yes. However, prison does not just have to be stone walls, nor iron bars. Many people are in a psychological prison which is 10 times worse than physical incarceration. Believe me, I’ve known both.

How many people can claim to receive a second first time? It is a contradiction, a second first time.

I can claim this distinction, everything is like the first time for me again. It has been 18 years since I experienced normal, mundane tasks that others take for granted, like shopping.

The first time I walked into a store, I was completely overwhelmed. I had been submitting a list of stuff I needed to prison staffers for the last 18 years. They would shove my shoes, shirts or whatever I had ordered to me through a window.