You are here

I am grateful for every one of my healing sisters, and brothers

This site has become more and more active... it is so nice to see... it is so sad to see.  I am glad it, the site, is here, and I thank Stacey again for making it possible.  I read everything that is posted here.  It takes time, and for someone who is still healing, sometimes all I can do is read.

Although my heart breaks for every sister here, I also cheer.  When I read all the supportive comments, it warms my heart and makes me realize, you are all making a difference.  For every sister who posts, for every supportive comment, I believe there are countless more, who silently read, like me. (I gotta keep deleteing all those spam blogs trying to sell us something.... always ticks me off)  Sometimes, I think I have written every possible word, regarding my healing journey.... what more can I say?  When I read some of the posts, and remember, all I can think to say, is "I have been there too"....  I feel so inadequate... I worry my words, may be taken the wrong way... I worry because I just can't write... one more time... about the darkness that was my life... can I?

I realize I am just taking another downward path on my healing journey, and I am feeling sad.  I have been through this before too, and I know it will pass, and I know I will feel the sun on my face again... I remember there were times when I didn't think I would ever feel joy... but I did.  I remember asking my therapist if she was sick of hearing my experiences, and seeing me cry... I told her I was sick of myself, and I was tired of crying.  I remember her telling me, it would pass... and it did.  I had to keep talking... I had to keep feeling, wether I wanted to or not.  I had to walk through it... sometimes crawl... avoidance wasn't a healing option.

When I look at where I was, and where I am now, I am so grateful.  Sometimes I just need to reevaluate, and remember how far I have come. I tend to be silent, when I am going through these downward parts of my journey, but maybe I really need to reach out more.

It is hard, sometimes, to think about what I want to write about.  If you have read my blogs... You know my story, and I wonder what I may have left unsaid.  I welcome any and all questions:)  Maybe that will give me ideas on what to write about.  

Thank-you so much for supporting each other.  If I ever seem silent, please know I love every one of my healing sisters, and brothers.  I check this site often... sometimes while I am at work... sometimes in the morning, and sometimes in the evening... usually 2 or three times a day.  I am not always in a position, physically, or emotionally where I can respond/or am up to responding.  I really appreciate every one of you, who take the time to post, or comment... when I read them, I know you will all be taken care of, wether or not I can.   

Comments

Dear Bluecascade , I just read your blog and the truth is,what you wrote is EXACTLY where I am right now. I am in such a shutdown mode,don't want to talk,don't want to reach out and say,help. I'm so very spent. With that,I do check in here and there are so many times I want to respond,reach out and say," your not alone" , yet it's just too hard for me. Then I feel like I'm being selfish,the people here NEED some one to be here for them. They are struggling just as much. There have been a lot of times lately that this site has had too many triggers for me,so I just stay off of it. I'm am still stuck in a very dark place and I am trying so hard to get out of it,but I am so tired and worn out. You are so so right about the support here though,it is truly breath taking how wonderful the support is from here. As difficult as times have been for me lately ,I am so so happy I found this site,everyone here has made such a difference in my life's struggles and I wanted to say THANK YOU from my heart to everyone here!!!!!!

You, my sister, seem to always have a supportive word or two for everyone... I thank-you from the bottom of my heart. Just when I think I need to say something, but am not in the best place to do so, I see you have posted, and have said some of the very things I was thinking.  Please be sure to take care of yourself.  We can not help anyone, if we don't take care of ourselves.  saying that... I want to thank you for being there for your sisters.  No "ONE", of us can do it all, but together we are unstoppable. (((hugs))) Sadie

I am trying to take care of me,but,it's so incredibly difficult for me right now. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better,when is my question. That's why I so get what you are saying, it is one very slow day at a time. Thanks for all of your support at any given time. You are one of the ones that has helped change my world. Take care my sister,take care!!!!!

'had to keep feeling, avoidance wasn't a healing option'

you know, i have to wonder if thats actually true or not, or if it's just a fundamental difference in male vs female healing/coping mechanisms.

for men, we use numbness/forgetting/avoidance for healing all the time, slathering it across things that hurt because, after a while, it dulls the edge of the pain and makes the whole thing easier to deal with.  alcohol helps.  a lot.  both because it helps us let our emotions OUT, and helps kill the feelings and memories dredged up during our drunken stupor.  we treat emotional pain like something that needs to be BURNED OUT of our system and overwritten by new (or even false) memories.  and later on in life, if it flashes back on us, we subject it to more alcohol and bludgeoning until the memory learns to keep silent and stay locked in its box.  BAD MEMORY !!  BAD !!

"Church of the Healing Bottle" - maybe i should start a religion  :)

i know, from decades of studying a lifetime of beautiful women, that ya'll ain't wired that way (save for a few crazy party girls, bless their heart) and have to find this mystical 'closure' oftimes to heal, sometimes needing to go back and revisit everything again, from returning to the place where an event happened, to talking to an old boyfriend you haven't seen since highschool.  and so much of it revolves around emotions.

is it just me, or did we get the better end of the deal ?

the lovely Emma Watson summed it up best when, as Hermoine Granger in one of the potter movies, she was explaining how a girl who's boyfriend was killed the movie before found Harry attractive, and had warring emotions going on inside her - and the scads of different things she felt from each point of view.  ron expressed something like "gods, how can anyone have that many things going on in their head at once ?  I think i'd explode !"  and her response was "Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean everyone is like that !"  i found that to be a very apt and memorable quote.

so i guess my point is : maybe, just maybe you ladies should try to take a page out of the guys book, and give yourself permission to forget and avoid for a while, let the wound scab over and get numb, and just give yourself a breather.  like another favorite movie of mine says, psychological healing is easier done with baby steps.  baby steps to the door.  baby steps down the hall... :) 

I was an expert at numbness, and avoidance... If I just worked hard enough, and pretended I was someone else good enough, maybe I could become this other person. It was an effective coping mechanism, and it worked fairly well, until I was 35. If avoidance was a permanent, effective healing tool, healing would be easy, and we wouldn't need help. Sexual abuse victims are experts at it. If we want to heal, we have to process what happened. Therapy helps because a therapist helps us work through these emotions in a manageable way. Numbing ourselves with alcohol, or other drugs, or even squelching our feelings will never be an effective way to survive. I coped, with my abuse, for a lot of years. Coping worked... Until it didn't anymore. Healing is painful, sometimes excruciating, because it requires us to feel, but it also allows us to feel the good things. We don't have to feel or remember everything, but we do have to process what happened, in order to heal. It is what transforms us from victims to survivors. I agree it is necessary to take it slow... I was in therapy for 8 years... And I too loved "What About Bob"... When my therapist told me I could contact her between sessions, I told her I didn't want to be Bob:)

i know that avoidance isn't permanent or effective for ya'll.... the wounds just go too deep to allow for that.  what i'm saying is that letting yourself USE it as a tool - to get a breather once in a while - might HELP you heal better/quicker/easier (on yourself).  by separating yourself from constantly dealing with it and walking away for a bit, it'd help you .... recharge your batteries, gain a different perspective, notice something you didn't before ?

maybe i'm not making sense....  i just know how "I" deal with things - and for me, when i'm neck deep in something, and trying desparately to stay afloat - it helps to walk away from it after a while and look at it from 'outside the box'.  helps me consider all of my options, so when i go back into the situation, i've got a better idea of where i am, whats going on, and what to do.

it just seems to me (admittedly, from the outside looking in) that by exposing yourselves to therapy every week, forcing yourselves to remember and process all of these terrible memories and experiences, AND NOT walking away afterwards to let the wound heal over for a bit.... that you're actually preventing the body's natural healing process from taking away some of the pain and healing the wound, even if it's just a little bit.  like it would a cut or any other wound.  rip it open, clean it out, slather on some therapy, cover it up and leave it alone for a while.  rinse, repeat - as long as it takes until it heals  :)  

so, if you can, dear sister - please enlighten this clueless male as to why it doesn't work that way ?

I have spent my entire life avoiding my issues. I NEVER looked at what was wrong with me,EVER, it just HURT way too much and took WAY too much strength to have to deal with what all had happened to me. Then when I was 38 and so,so close to getting married,ALL of my issues came to a head. I stopped eating,lost a boat load of weight,wasn't sleeping ,at all. Would go on ,one to three hours of sleep. Three hours was a good night sleep. It took me six months to finally realize,my abuse was my cancer eating me up and distroying me,so,I started to talk. Well,since then,yes I lost my boyfriend,"oh well" , and have been in and out of therapy. I have taken the little" breaks" that are talked about often here,and I gotta say,all it does to me is makes my issues eat me up even more. I get that a "mini vacation" from dealing with stuff would be a GREAT idea,but the problem I have is ,my head NEVER shuts off,EVER. So even when I'm not talking,it NEVER stops!!! Lately,I have been in a shut down mode with the loss of my father,a "numbing" feeling,a disconnect ,becouse it has all been too much for me. I still go to therapy,but find it VERY difficult to talk.i still have nightmares and dreams about my father ALL night while I'm asleep. Think about him when I'm awake, and now,by shutting down,taking a " break" with this "not dealing "thing,I'm sick as a dog. Been out of work all week. My therapist even said she saw it coming. From trying not to feel,not to talk ,not to face things, it got to me. So,moral of the story, it's ALWAYS gonna be there whether you take a "break"or not,it's just a question of how your body REALLY deals with things when you don't talk.

ummmm....so in your case, Miss Sue - your brain has this obsession thing going on where it's kind of "stuck" dwelling on your past and, now, on your father's rough passage from this world to the next.  and the 'break' or 'vacation' idea just excaberates the problem, because instead of fighting your way THROUGH the problem a bit at a time, now you're not making forward progress and have less to focus your mind on, leaving more time for it to focus on what's eating at you ?   and maybe feeling 'shut down' because you don't know how to get rolling again ?

thats the way it looks from my chair....   

or is it simpler than all that - and you're just sick and tired of being.... sick and tired ?

and here's the next question : when you get good and drunk, doesn't that 'distract' your brain onto other things ?  i know some people are happy drunks (like me), some are sad drunks, some are mean drunks, and so on...   the whole idea of 'breaks' and 'vacations' are to give yourself a rest from dealing with everything....  and it sounds like you're not getting to do that, your brain won't cooperate and let it go, but instead keeps coming back to it over and over and over again.  like being perpetually triggered.

poor girl.... its no wonder you're sick as a dog.... you're exhausted, can't sleep and it sounds like your brain is trying its hardest to kill you thru stress.  you have my sympathy, friend Sue - its gotta be maddening to have your brain fighting you like that  :(

when you were with your boyfriend/fiance, did that help your mind and stress levels ?  either by focusing them or by soothing them ?  i don't put a LOT of truck in mysticism, but i do know that there's an exchange of energy that happens when two people touch (which is why hugs feel so good  :)  and it helps rebalance their different frequencies of energy  (it's also why a lotta folks have pets, which can provide a less effective but still helpful substitute).

the girls i've been fortunate enough to meet and help through the stages of healing all swear that i'm the only person that can calm them down and make them feel better with nothing more than a hug and rub on the back (the body's energy conduit).   i've even had them cranky with me because they WANTED to cry and i balanced them too fast....

hmmm...  i wonder if a massage would help ??  ever been to a masseuse or spa ?  ladies - anyone tried that ?

Yes,it is very difficult to not be able to shut down my head. It really takes all my energy. Maybe someday I will have an off switch. Back in the day when I use to drink,yes,it helped me to run from my issues. I did use it as a coping skill,till I started to drink every day.i quit 6yrs. ago. It started to interrupt my life so much. Now ,as far as my ex. No,I never felt better being with him. Due to all of the abuse, I can't stand to be touched,ever!!!! So,whenever he would touch me I would dissociate right away,shut down and push him away. So,getting a message would accually be a horrific thing for me,but thanks for the suggestion. Maybe someday,things in my world will get better,just maybe.

Sue I think of you often. I celebrate you for the obvious strength that you have and my heart breaks hearing of your stuggle. There is a lot of support here,  though I write little - I am grateful to hear and learn from the women who ask for help and who give help, and provide support.  Your words have been a support for me Sue so thank you.  I, across the computer world, send you positive energy and hope it finds you in your day to day experiences.

Thank you so much for your kind words. You have touched my heart. Yes,it has been a very difficult year for me,lots of loss,struggles,which we all go through,and I try very hard to keep my head up,but right now,I don't see the strenght you do,I just feel like I am down for the count. I try NOT to write exactly how I feel because I really don't want to discourage anyone here,I just want everyone to keep trying to fight ,to win. So,thank you for all of your positive thoughts,much needed here for me right now.please take care of yourself.

yeah, everyday drinking is bad... then it's a crutch, instead of an temporary escape, and we wind up losing the ability to get by without it.  i know a few addicts, to alcohol or drugs, and it's not something i'd wish on anybody.  my ex-girlfriend was always afraid she'd wind up one and avoided alcohol all her life because it ran in her family.  i taught her about moderation and the joys of bailey's irish creme  :)  i'm gettin thirsty just thinkin bout it !

i apologize in advance if i'm asking questions that upset you - feel free to tell me to go fly a kite or not respond, for adding to your pain is the LAST thing i'd ever want to do...

tell me, Miss Sue - do you 'shut down' when touched by anyone - or just males ?  

i guess i'm just concerned that you might be starved for positive human contact.  there's been a great deal of study done on humans who are isolated from touch losing their ability to function - and there's also something called Emotional Isolation - i encourage you to read up on it if you haven't already.  i think a lot of the wonderful ladies on this site (or just read it) suffer from it to one degree or another.

does listening to music help you at all ?  or writing ?

i've always found that during my times of greatest stress, kicking in a classical music CD like beethoven or mozart help me to relax as my mind follows the soothing melodies.  on the other end of the scale, if i want to get good and po'd, i play some heavy metal or techno-metal and just let myself go and blowoff steam.

another way i get my brain off 'my' problems is by sitting down in front of the computer and writing stories about other people.  i often draw from people i know or have read about and add elements of that to my tales, it helps me work through MY problems by putting other characters into the situation and seeing what they do to solve it.

i wish one of the sisters here lived close to you, dear girl.  i don't know if you'd accept such, but sometimes a hug, holding a hand or just a friendly shoulder can go a long, long way to lift the spirits.  i read something on a co-workers facebook page the other day that made me think of you  :)  it said "Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness.  They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long."

look outside, my sister - and at least take joy in the beautiful things God (or Nature, if you prefer) has made for you to see  :)

 

I gotta tell you,one thing I like about you is , you make it real. I respect that,a lot. I will say,if you ever ask me a question that I feel is upsetting or overstep any boundrys with me,I'll let you know,o.k.? So,to your question about being touched,I DO have SEVERE boundry issues with ANYONE touching me or coming too close to me. With men,my ex., it was all about the intimacy ,I just shut down every single time he touched me. I left my head. I went somewhere safe. I accually don't remember much of being with him. I did use alcohol a lot when I was with him as well. So,my head was a mess. Even now though,if someone stands too close to me,sits too close to me,or whatever,I move. If someone touches me,then I will swing to get them off. My defensive mode is always in full force. I am guarded 24/7. I do things to try and keep myself as balanced as I can,but right now,I'm very off. One of the most gratifying things I do for me is ,I work out every day. It relaxes me,gets me out of my head for a while and it makes me feel good about myself. I play guitar ,I walk,I do write,I go to my therapy,and haven't missed it yet,and at the end of the night,I LOVE to relax to a cup of warm green tea. So,I do have things that I do for me and it does help. I also wanted to say to you,thank you for always helping me and supporting me. I hope you know you do make a difference in others!!!!!!!

please DO let me know, because i'm fairly clueless about a lot of social things.  thank you for being comforable enough to do that - so many folks in my life just 'fade off' into the background when i say something that bothers them, and then i never know what i did.... i didn't exactly have a rich social life growin up, if you couldn't guess  :)

the ex and intimacy - yeah, i figured as much. the majority of males seem unable (or more aptly, unwilling) to maintain lengthy relationships with females unless there's a 'chance' for intimacy.  i've always found that viewpoint incredibly sad.  i think of all my male friends, and can only remember meeting ONE of their female friends over MANY years, and i never hear any of them talk about gal-pals.  EVER.  how messed up is that ?  talk about one-track minds !

as to 'going somewhere else' - that's an understandable behavior after what you went through as a child.  if karen's theory about parts of abuse survivors development "freezing" at the age level when abuse occurred (and i'm increasingly finding evidence to support that theory) then when such a situation developed, that part of your mind 'flipped' back to age, what - three ?  and refused to come back until much later.

now, imagine men actually understanding (and caring) that what's going on in your head when they touch you is spinning your mental clock back to age 3.  the ones who 'got it' would be horrified at the thought and back away, the ones that didn't or just didn't care would rationalize it to themselves the same way the original abuser did "her body is responding so she must enjoy it".  and in none of the above cases would it help the poor survivor - the truth either alienates her boyfriend, or he doesn't understand, or he doesn't care - bad all the way around.  i think i'm finally starting to understand a bit of what ya'll go thru.  one down, 3.5 billion men to go  :)

i'm glad to hear that you've got some creative and useful outlets to help balance yourself, dear sister !  i've always thought that the people who deal with stress by cleaning house or working out had the best idea, turning negative energy into positive change.  maybe i need to find some stress in my life - lord knows i could use a workout and a cleaner house !

have a good week, my friend !!

go to the Power of the Devine Spirit. I'm just not able to carry it myself and accept that.

How else is a creature of habit to rid herself of the sins of the mind and soul?  I don't see this as avoiding, forgetting or numbing my memories or thoughts or feelings in place of confronting those demons.  There comes a point where we have to stop just trying to heal and just make it so.  Yes, sometimes just one moment or one day at a time.  In time it will happen all it's own.  Faith in that makes it so.

I recently read a book, won't mention the title or author (not trying to promote sales, just healing) that discussed the attributes of positive thinking people who aren't neccessarily successful, quite the contrary, but actually happier than those who aren't.

As human beings, not super heroes or sci fi characters, we are wired to become what we think we will be become.  Our feelings, thoughts, actions, environment and experience make it so.  While we have the ultimate power of choice, we generally underestimate our abilities to wield and exercise that power.  We also tend to overestimate how simple the ability to exercise that choice can be.

Which brings me to the heartfelt empathy i have for sisters and brothers who can't seem to get off the merry go round process of healing by continuing to allow the minds spiraling energy to control their will to be healed.

I want to thank you Malathon, for your confident stance which always helps me through self pitiful loathing. Little did I know, you are also hurting and drowning with a temporary option all your own.  You're right, we don't have to keep feeling, but please be good to yourself and find yourself a better option through prayer and self love and trust in your will to take a break with more live spiritual action versus mere "spirits" which dull the true mind not just the senses. Seek it and you will find it.

Your story, Sadie, your experiences Sue, i understand too well.  It's exhausting for me to re read about my life through your moments of stumbling struggle.  But I feel I must do it to understand what it was that hindered me from moving forward in my life.  Your gift to share and help is invaluable to so many like me. 

There will come a time when I can no longer come to this site for reassurance and comraderie and friendship and that will be a bittersweet achievement for me.

For now, I wish you all better days and weeks and months ahead.  I pray you also have a furry, or non-furry friend to lend you support through the more difficult times.

Love & hugs to you,

gaia

i'm just glad i could help, Miss Gaia (i've always loved that name :).  no worries here, i only partake in alcohol once every week or two, and it's been FOREVER since i got well and truly drunk - i believe it was a few years back when i discovered the joys of Captain Morgan, who was my very best friend for all of one evening, not so much the next morning !

i use alcohol (and once in a blue moon, other things :) to open my mind and get 'out' of my head for a bit.  i don't think i'd fit anyone's definition of an addict, tho in younger days i probably would have - when my motto was "a 12-pack a day keeps the doctor away."

prayer - you know, i've always had a real good dialogue with God, but it wasn't until recently that i started praying every night on my way to sleep, and 99% of it is directed here at the sisters.... i wish i could help them more, but i have to trust God to put another in their path that can help instead.  

and while you might eventually get to a place where you can't come here for reassurance anymore, the comraderie and friendship will ALWAYS be here for you.  

blessed be !!

It's good to hear that you don't allow spirits and such to numb the clear headedness you display on this site.  I meant no offense to suggest your recreational choices interfered with that gift.

I also meant no offense to mention that I may someday not feel so alone in my thoughts that I will not have to resort to the comforting reassurances we get here.  But I do appreciate the confidences you speak for the other lovely women who struggle without breaks to support this site. 

May God bless you profusely in your endeavors and may He always keep an angel above each and every survivor here.

As always, love & positive vibes for each survivor here too.

i've never found reason to be offended by anyone here, friend Gaia - everyone really means well and seems to bend over backward to be supportive of each other  :)   i'd wager you and i have a very similar outlook on life....

i always tell folks "you'd actually have to WORK if you wanted to offend me" - i got VERY thick skin (even the ER surgeon said so when i cut my hand) and i let God handle most of my big problems - i just worry about the ones i can do something about.  it's funny - sometimes i meet folks who try to carry the weight of the whole world on their shoulders, everybody's problems are THEIR problems.... i'm sure you know the type.

when they tell me what's stressing them out, i say "Why don't you let GOD handle all the tough stuff, and you take the easy problems.  Do you think that you're making HIS job easier ?  Because no matter how much you carry around, you're still on the earth, and HE is carrying that.  It weighs the same to him if you pick up a pebble or a mountain.  Let him worry about everybody else, you worry about YOU."

it's always funny to see that 'click' moment when they finally get what you're saying.... i know it was a game changer for ME  :)

Even though my boss tells me I need to develop thicker skin because I take too much to heart, I'll take your bet.  I live it one day at a time and sometimes thats all we need to do for other blessed times in our future ahead.

How was I to know while I was trying to slit my wrists at the age of 15 that even at that age, I hadn't reached rock bottom.  When I did hit stone some six years later, it became the beginning of a new perspective on my past. The birth of my son made a huge impact. But there was something in addition to having someone that would someday look to me for guidance and direction....(How could I do that with the mess of myself?)...something beyond my scope of caring or understanding took my life over.   How do I explain that to hurting sisters here? I can't.  Was it the free will He gave me to be well?  It hasn't been an easy ride, and I'll be the first to acknowledge I've made many mistakes along the way.  But I'm human and I'm healing and sometimes I just have to give kudos to our God!....may He continue to work His wonders in our weaker moments.

 

 

Recent comments

About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.