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Pleading Guilty

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 06:51 — Melly

I haven't added to my blog. I've been reeling a bit at a unexpected development.

My father has agreed to plead guilty to all charges for all of the victims he is charged regarding. Myself included. I never would have believed he would do this and skip a trial. Being such a coward, it is hard to imagine he will accept prison time.

Obviously I am all over the place emotionally. I have a first draft of my victim impact statement. I can't seem to open the computer file to tweak it. I started twice and then quickly stop and close the file. I guess I will need to kick myself into gear. The clock is ticking.

My fiancé and I head out of town Wednesday to travel to the city where court is held. We will return Friday. Court is Thursday. It is hard to believe this is real. It has only been a couple of weeks since his lawyer notified the powers that be that he is pleading guilty. I do not want to see his face. I have this absurd picture in my head of him smirking at me. Nonsensical I know. He wouldn't do that in a court room as he awaits sentencing. I still picture it. I think part of me doubts court will happen. He has a long history of suicide attempts. Even authorities are speculating that he may "check out" before court.

If any f you have spare emotional resources to send my way, and by way of the other women involved this week, surely it will be appreciated. I'm a nervous wreck. I know I am not the only one. I have these stupid thoughts. Like what does a man facing his final Sunday as a free person do? I'm drinking coffee, typing here, snuggled on the sofa with my favorite blanket and my cat. Is he having coffee like a regular lazy Sunday morning? Is he sleeping at night? And then I ask myself, why am I even thinking these things?

Whew! I'm sitting here thinking that in four days, this chapter closes. For some victims it has been over 40 years in the making. For me, 25. I take comfort in the feeling that my getting his written admission of guilt last year is what got us all to this week. Another part worries still about the other women. They surely have mixed emotions about me. After all , they were moving along in life until I brought this admission to police with their names involved and then suddenly after decades, they find police on their doors asking questions about their deepest secrets, deepest pain. I have never felt good about that part of things.

Obviously I am on a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. I imagine this week won't be getting easier. I'm just going to white knuckle it. I could use any borrowed strength available.

Comments

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 08:08 — Sue

I can't even put into words how proud I am of you!!!!! You so did the right thing by turning him in!!!!!! He hurt too many people!!!!! Those other girls,probably weren't getting on with their lives,they where just getting by,like we all do that where abused. Instead of looking at it like you uproared their lives with this,maybe more what you did was opened the door for them for some healing to start!!!! You are gonna be o.k.!!!!! Especially now. Your strenght just amazes me!!!! Your dad probably isn't sitting there enjoying his last Sunday of freedom,he probably isn't sleeping,he is probably thinking,"oh sh..., I have been busted,now what". He stole YOUR innocence ,he stole YOUR freedom from you,he stole YOUR body from you,as well as others,it's about time he gets his!!!!!! So,on Thursday,I will be thinking of you,I will be there with you,holding your hand and telling you "you ARE o.k.,you ARE brave,and you ARE a wonderful human being for being the strenght so many of us needs!!!! , and you ARE going to finally get peace after all"!!!! Please keep us posted on how this all goes and I'm here if you need anything,at all!!!!!!! Sue

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 18:08 — Tab Johnston

I understand the feeling of "the absurd picture in my head of him smirking at me'. I got my step father charged and felt the same thing when we went threw court. I remember waiting to go into court to testify and then being told by my officer that I didn't have to cos he pleaded guilty. I was so relieved that as soon as I got the words out to my family I passed out. When it came to the sentencing I was lucky enough that the court had an upstairs section where I could sit so I didn't have to see him, although now days I wish I could have to show him that I was there and to give the smirk to him showing him my strength that I could come out and tell of the things he did to me and that he was going to loose his freedom for the poor choices he made. I can say that the feelings do keep going up and down for a while after he is sentenced. I had such anger after due to the sentencing I felt was very unjust. I was abused for around 8 years and he got only 4 years before he could get parole. I am unsure where you are and how it works there but he was also charged for another girl but he got to serve them at the same time so I warn you that may happen to you and the other girls also, I hope not cos I believe they need to serve the time for each person at different times as they abused at different times. I wish you much luck and send all my love and support and prayers to you and all the women about to go through it all. Take care and hold your head up high you did the right thing in what you did. You may have saved many more girls from him.

Mon, 04/23/2012 - 15:26 — gaia

Love what Tab said, "he will lose his freedom for the poor choices he made".

It's all on him, so don't let any leniency buy your sympathy now....like Sue aptly suggests, keep your head up and stay strong. 

Can't say how proud I am that you're driving to attend your next healing process of justice to be served.

Tight hugs and prayers for your wellness throughout this ordeal,

gaia

Tue, 04/24/2012 - 06:55 — Melly

Thank you for the comments and support!

Tomorrow I head north and will overnight in a hotel in order to be at court on time Thursday. I am happy that I fell asleep quickly last night despite nerves. I was awake by 5 am but that is usual for me. I have MS and often I wake early simply because I am too sore laying down. This morning however the nerves are back in full force. Fortunately I must do laundry today and iron dress clothes, pack for me and my fiancé and I'm weird about never leaving out of town with a messy house so I have some house cleaning to keep my day occupied.

Our sentencing policies are are shocking. Yet also very common among most countries. They are asking for a minimum of four years in a federal penitentiary. The judge could assign more time. That makes our impact statements important as they may cause the judge to add that extra time. Is that true justice? Hardly. Yet it is how the system works and I've come to realize that focusing on that will harbor rage and anger and I've spent too much of my life embroiled in that. It never served me well and I learned ages ago for my own sale to not dwell on things I have no control over. Having said that, others vent loudly to me about it and I do at times have moments of venting along. Afterward though I just feel worse so I'm trying to focus on other thoughts. Mind you if the term is less than the four years the crown attorney is asking for, my good intentions may be flying out the window.

I am also struggling with my statement. I like what I've written. It's my voice. My truth. I also feel though that I have left so much out. I am worried about making it too long so have done my best to keep it brief but now I wonder if I'm worried for nothing, and if I am leaving out things the judge should know before sentencing. Nobody seems to be able to tell me how long these things tend to be. Nobody in the system can even read it ahead of Thursday so I am flapping in the wind a bit. If any of you have provided victim impact statements or heard any, I would appreciate any insight you may have. I really have to have it done today because I won't have time with the travel tomorrow.

Thank you again for the support!

Tue, 04/24/2012 - 10:11 — Stacey Lannert

Do not worry about the time length of your statement - this is your moment to say whatever you feel and have it on the record. You will be suprised how quickly it actually reads. A statement that might have taken your hours to write will actually only take about a few minutes to read.

There is no right or wrong while writing your statement. This is your chance to have it become part of a public record. It is your voice, your truth. Do not censure yourself.

Good luck!

Tue, 04/24/2012 - 19:45 — Aries412

I wish you good luck and I'm so very happy that he is confessing. Now, you can use this time to get everything out in the open. I'm so thankful that you decided to share this with us and would love to be able to read that you held your head high, marched into court, said whatever you felt was on your mind and necessary for the judge to hear and at the end of the day, you have a fiance to lean on throughout it all. I'm pretty sure that all of us understand that roller coaster ride that you are on, if not for the same reason, then for others, and we all wish we could be in the courtroom with you to stand up and support you and the others as you read your statements. Think about the powerful message that would send the judge!! Just imagine that we are there too!! 

I wish you luck and a safe journey!!

Tue, 04/24/2012 - 21:38 — Sue

I just wanted to say,we will all be with you on Thursday. Keep your head up,take back your power,and be so dam proud of yourself for bieng the most couragous person for being able to do this and for being able to save so many others from him. I do agree with Aries412 as well. Good luck and keep us posted,it's gonna be one of the most difficult things for you,but one of the healthiest for you,I believe!!!!

Wed, 04/25/2012 - 22:49 — Tab Johnston

Where I am it is Thursday afternoon. I just wanted to drop a note to say I have been thinking about you all day today. I hope that everything has gone well and that it has turned out the best posible way. Good luck on the rest of your healing and hope that today has helped and not hindered. =D Keep your head up you have done an amazing thing. Take care

Thu, 04/26/2012 - 13:03 — Melly

I will add a blog post later today. In a nut shell, we were packed, shoes on, literally minutes away from leaving to head out of town for court. Cell chirped a text message alert. It was police investigator saying do not leave! Then my cell and land line rang immediately and the games began. His lawyer faxed crown attorney with no real content. No explanation. They would not be at court for sentencing. Court was to be adjourned and everyone scrambled for answers. Explanation. This is not normal and the crown attorneys assistant said on eight years working there this has never happened. I mean defense lawyers and defendants can't just opt out of sentencing and then worse, not explain.
I should know more today. I'm numb now but that is a blessing. I came near to a break down yesterday. Nobody who hasn't done this can know the mental reserved you dig deep for to build what strength you need for this moment. I welcome the numb. It beats the complete emotional despair yesterday.
Meanwhile many of us suspect perhaps he is unreadable. As in took his life. But we don't know that. Alternately it has to be a huge reason for a attorney to pull a stunt like this.
It's hard to type the story of yesterday. I am worried I'll again be a emotional wreck. When I'm able I will blog about it. For now thank you all for your warm thoughts and prayers. I need them now more than ever. As do the other women involved.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.