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I haven't added to my blog. I've been reeling a bit at a unexpected development.
My father has agreed to plead guilty to all charges for all of the victims he is charged regarding. Myself included. I never would have believed he would do this and skip a trial. Being such a coward, it is hard to imagine he will accept prison time.
Obviously I am all over the place emotionally. I have a first draft of my victim impact statement. I can't seem to open the computer file to tweak it. I started twice and then quickly stop and close the file. I guess I will need to kick myself into gear. The clock is ticking.
My fiancé and I head out of town Wednesday to travel to the city where court is held. We will return Friday. Court is Thursday. It is hard to believe this is real. It has only been a couple of weeks since his lawyer notified the powers that be that he is pleading guilty. I do not want to see his face. I have this absurd picture in my head of him smirking at me. Nonsensical I know. He wouldn't do that in a court room as he awaits sentencing. I still picture it. I think part of me doubts court will happen. He has a long history of suicide attempts. Even authorities are speculating that he may "check out" before court.
If any f you have spare emotional resources to send my way, and by way of the other women involved this week, surely it will be appreciated. I'm a nervous wreck. I know I am not the only one. I have these stupid thoughts. Like what does a man facing his final Sunday as a free person do? I'm drinking coffee, typing here, snuggled on the sofa with my favorite blanket and my cat. Is he having coffee like a regular lazy Sunday morning? Is he sleeping at night? And then I ask myself, why am I even thinking these things?
Whew! I'm sitting here thinking that in four days, this chapter closes. For some victims it has been over 40 years in the making. For me, 25. I take comfort in the feeling that my getting his written admission of guilt last year is what got us all to this week. Another part worries still about the other women. They surely have mixed emotions about me. After all , they were moving along in life until I brought this admission to police with their names involved and then suddenly after decades, they find police on their doors asking questions about their deepest secrets, deepest pain. I have never felt good about that part of things.
Obviously I am on a bit of a roller coaster emotionally. I imagine this week won't be getting easier. I'm just going to white knuckle it. I could use any borrowed strength available.
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About Stacey Lannert
Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.