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Trying to get back on track

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 09:09 — mandy280

I have not blogged in a while, been a little busy dealing with some health issues my daughter is having. In 2 weeks time she has had 1 urgent care visit, a trip to the ER, 3 doctors appt., a trip to the lab for blood test, and an MRI. This alone has been mentally exhausting. All we realy know up to this point is that she has neruopathy in her feet to just above her ankels bad headaches and fatigue. No clue yet what is causing it. Her B12 is borderline, no led toxicity, no thyroid problems. Waiting on the most recent batch of blood tests for some answers, She just had the MRI yesterday.

Any way on top of that I am still dealing with the after effect of my whole family learning of my abuse. I spoke to my Aunt on the phone last week and my Grandmother on Wed. The things they had to say to me were earily the same. #1 they both feel my mother some how planted these ideas in my head and the claims my youngest aunt made about her abuse are chalked up to childhood experimentation. # 2 why would I chose now to speak out about my abuse when my Dad is in poor health. #3 What do I have to gain from telling and what do I expect to happen now.

I pleeded with them to not isolate or shun my Dad. Its not his fault I spoke out, its not his words and he dose not deserve to have any one be ugly to him. I told them they are free to go on loving my abuser. They do not have to belive me. Their lives do not have to change because of me. I told them I did tell the truth, I am not crazy, they have known me my whole life and up untill now they all considered me to be honest and good.

They have twisted the facts so much my story is almost unrecognizable. They have inserted things that never happened and flat out told me things that happened never did as though they were even there. Both conversations ended badly, taking twiats I did not expect. I ended up giving them details that are hard to hear. I wanted them to know there is no way in H*** I made this up. Well that back fired. They think I need mental help lol.

My Dad is a little upset with me calling them. He said I did nothing wrong, I owe no one an explination. We know what the truth is screw the rest. He knows with out me saying that part of why I called is becuse I feel guilt for seperating him from his family. Thats what made him mad. He said he dose not want any of them calling him saying anything at all about my abuse. They don't belive us so ta heck with them.

I have no idea why I can not let it go. I do not even realy feel anger towards my abuser any more. Hes a pathetic losser. He lives a disgusting life. He belives in no one and nothing. He is hateful to women and only has strippers as companions.

The pain of being rejected by my Grandmother is far worse than the abuse and I want to like erase her memory or something so we can go back to the way things were. I am realy stuggling to get over this hump of, well, depression? God I hate saying that word! Its like I am letting him hurt me still! I am letting him take my happiness. I need to reclaim my life. I am just unsure of how to do that at the moment. Also I dont want any one to worry about me. I dont want any one to think that I am broken. So I try to deal with it and then I get restless and then I self medicate with beer, then I start calling people pleading my case. This happens about once a week. I need to stop. Its not ok for me to drink at this point in my life. I am not in good spirits and its always right there on the surface. Drinking just brings it all out in a sloppy mess of tears and self loathing.

Uhg! how do I get past this!

 

Comments

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 12:04 — Sue

Wow,your story makes me want to cry. I can't put into words how sorry I am that you are going through this!!!!! I just want to reach out and give you such a BIG hug!!!! Your strenght just jumps out at me. I wish I had your strenght !!!! Keep your head up. I believe I said in the past,it is just so unbelievably difficult for us to accept the fact that we where abused, imagine how difficult it must be for someone else to accept it,especially if it was in the family. Remember,this only happens to someone else,not our children or grandchild. I am so deply sorry that your grandmothers reaction is hurting you so much. Unfortunatly we can't force anyone to accept this,they need to choose to. Hopefully in due time,she will. She may one day see that this isn't something we would make up,or even want to make up. The depression comes with the abuse unfortunatly,it's like a package deal. Hopefully in time once you can move through the abuse the depression will subside. In the meanwhile maybe ask your doc. for an antidepressant. I have used them and they work,they are so expensive if you don't have ins. But ,just a thought. Please Hang in there and remember ,your not alone!!!!!!!

Sat, 04/28/2012 - 03:25 — gaia

...Up the ante on positive proactive time for yourself and your daughter's wellness....everytime you get the urge to speak to relatives that don't have your wellness on their priority lists have your own list of things that you could do to keep you focused on that:

Visit a Food Cooperative and ask a knowledgeable employee about the different B12 supplements available for people suffering from neuropathy.  If it's not too hot outside, take your daughter for a brisk walk in the park or visit a zoo for a change of scenery.

Check out some funny, inspirational you tube posts, like "best wedding proposal ever!! (the americana at Brand, Glendale, CA) is one of my favorites, or "homeless boy steals the talent show"...I'm just naming a couple,but do your own search and choose something to your liking that starts with "funny..."    

Dad is right, you owe no one any explanations, so take a father-daughter day and check out a matinee movie together.

As tempting as it is, please do not self medicate at this vulnerable time of reflection.  Indulge in chocolate or ice cream but not liquor or something that clouds your thoughts, God knows your clouds should be left behind you not above you in this stage of...well....yes, depression of recovery.

You are a ray of sunhine and have my utmost respect for revealing and standing your ground so speaking from experience don't forget to smile even when you don't feel like it.  You'll be amazed at how it helps the internal happiness juices flowing.

gaia

Mon, 04/30/2012 - 08:05 — mandy280

Its so great to get on here and be able to vent and tell my story, its even better to have advice comments and support! Thank for the tips and nice words :) I am so glad some one thinks I am strong when I feel so weak! Just reading those words makes me feel stronger and refreshes my opinion of myself! I love the list idea! I do need to have options and a plan for when I feel the need to reach out to ppl who can't or will not support me :) Thanks Ya'll!!!

Wed, 05/16/2012 - 00:03 — barettjoye

Your writing is so refreshing compared to the most other writers and this time also. Would like to give the proper value of your allocation issue. Thanks mate. :) urgent care houston

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.