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Trying to get back on track
I have not blogged in a while, been a little busy dealing with some health issues my daughter is having. In 2 weeks time she has had 1 urgent care visit, a trip to the ER, 3 doctors appt., a trip to the lab for blood test, and an MRI. This alone has been mentally exhausting. All we realy know up to this point is that she has neruopathy in her feet to just above her ankels bad headaches and fatigue. No clue yet what is causing it. Her B12 is borderline, no led toxicity, no thyroid problems. Waiting on the most recent batch of blood tests for some answers, She just had the MRI yesterday.
Any way on top of that I am still dealing with the after effect of my whole family learning of my abuse. I spoke to my Aunt on the phone last week and my Grandmother on Wed. The things they had to say to me were earily the same. #1 they both feel my mother some how planted these ideas in my head and the claims my youngest aunt made about her abuse are chalked up to childhood experimentation. # 2 why would I chose now to speak out about my abuse when my Dad is in poor health. #3 What do I have to gain from telling and what do I expect to happen now.
I pleeded with them to not isolate or shun my Dad. Its not his fault I spoke out, its not his words and he dose not deserve to have any one be ugly to him. I told them they are free to go on loving my abuser. They do not have to belive me. Their lives do not have to change because of me. I told them I did tell the truth, I am not crazy, they have known me my whole life and up untill now they all considered me to be honest and good.
They have twisted the facts so much my story is almost unrecognizable. They have inserted things that never happened and flat out told me things that happened never did as though they were even there. Both conversations ended badly, taking twiats I did not expect. I ended up giving them details that are hard to hear. I wanted them to know there is no way in H*** I made this up. Well that back fired. They think I need mental help lol.
My Dad is a little upset with me calling them. He said I did nothing wrong, I owe no one an explination. We know what the truth is screw the rest. He knows with out me saying that part of why I called is becuse I feel guilt for seperating him from his family. Thats what made him mad. He said he dose not want any of them calling him saying anything at all about my abuse. They don't belive us so ta heck with them.
I have no idea why I can not let it go. I do not even realy feel anger towards my abuser any more. Hes a pathetic losser. He lives a disgusting life. He belives in no one and nothing. He is hateful to women and only has strippers as companions.
The pain of being rejected by my Grandmother is far worse than the abuse and I want to like erase her memory or something so we can go back to the way things were. I am realy stuggling to get over this hump of, well, depression? God I hate saying that word! Its like I am letting him hurt me still! I am letting him take my happiness. I need to reclaim my life. I am just unsure of how to do that at the moment. Also I dont want any one to worry about me. I dont want any one to think that I am broken. So I try to deal with it and then I get restless and then I self medicate with beer, then I start calling people pleading my case. This happens about once a week. I need to stop. Its not ok for me to drink at this point in my life. I am not in good spirits and its always right there on the surface. Drinking just brings it all out in a sloppy mess of tears and self loathing.
Uhg! how do I get past this!
- Hi sam 23 hours 36 min ago
- Your Story 5 days 4 hours ago
- I know what you're experiencing. 2 weeks 4 days ago
- Thanks for posting this 2 weeks 4 days ago
- yes, i get that 2 weeks 5 days ago
- Don't get me wrong 2 weeks 6 days ago
- Your sensitivity and strength is inspiring 3 weeks 17 hours ago
- Seeking Comfort 3 weeks 2 days ago
About Stacey Lannert
Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.