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The Subtle Signs of Abuse

Wed, 02/29/2012 - 15:22 — karen e fennell

Ever notice that when you throw a rock into the water it ripples out into circles until it reaches the shore?  That is the child of abuse.  The actual sexual abuse is a bomb, but the signs and symptoms can be mere ripples; casting no huge rolling waves of obvious danger for a parent to see.  These ripples, taken independently seem mostly age-appropriate, but taken collectively, they scream WARNING! I detailed my son's abuse in my book, but as a professional therapist, I do not often talk about my own family and the affect my son's abuse had on him, but it feels right to do it here. 

In the sexual abuse recovery world we focus a lot on the dramatic affects of sexual abuse, and we should.  But for today, I want to pull it back a little and concentrate on the subtle aspects of abuse.  I want to highlight how a once healthy child's world changes and the troublesome signs of possible abuse. I want to expose how those little changes play a significant role in the whole picture of an abused child. 

The stone was cast into the water when my son was ten.  He had agreed to help out watching my young nephew while my brother-in-law worked out of the house.  My son, up until then, was just a typical boy.  He played little league, rode his bike and helped look after his four younger siblings.  Everything was so normal, so easy.   Little did I know that my son was being victimized every time he went over there; my brother-in-law took a healthy boy and made certain that he would not continue to grow in the fashion he should.  

Everything started to change for my son after that.  He became sullen and irritable.  He was a smart kid who loved school and his teachers; his report cards and conferences were always favorable.   At first, I just chalked his change in behavior to hormones and puberty, but it just kept getting worse.   He became afraid to go to school.  He retreated inward and lost his smile.  I started to worry.  I began to question my parenting.  Was I doing something to make him feel this bad?    I spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what could possibly be making my child feel so bad.  There were no significant changes in our family that could have caused him to change how he felt about school, his relationship with his parents/siblings, and his lack of enthusiasm about everything.   I was at a loss. 

In junior high, little changed and my husband had even less ability to cope with his distant son.  Our son had become snotty, angry and reclusive.  Again, this behavior is somewhat age appropriate, but it felt "bigger".  My husband was becoming frightened.    I wanted to protect my son, but didn't know how; my husband wanted to "fix it", but had even less knowledge as to how.  Was his parenting messed up?  Was he being too lenient?  Did he need to be more strict?  How could he make his son function as a "typical" pre-teen?  Our son had stopped doing homework; he was constantly pacing the floor, and seemed out of touch.  He became so fearful of our son’s behavior that my husband actually threatened to send our son to military school.  Maybe that would get him back on track. 

My other children noticed a change in their brother as well.  They tried to remain attached, but couldn't help but feel hurt by their brother’s drive to push everyone away.  Their relationships suffered as my son buried himself deeper and deeper into himself.  He was rejecting the very people who could keep him emotionally safe and healthy.  He no longer hung out with his year younger brother who was once his best friend.  He mostly ignored his sisters unless he was arguing with them. 

School began calling, expressing their own concerns.  How did one of their best students become one of their worst?  My son was no longer able to stay focused in class.  His eyes were either spaced out or darting back and forth to the door.  Naturally, the school recommended a host of testing.  Our son must have ADHD they said.  Strange, I remember thinking, because up until 5th grade he had no difficulty in the classroom.  Can ADHD have such a pronounced onset, I wondered? 

My son’s after school activities were changing as well.  He lost all confidence in his sports.  He no longer wanted to participate.  He started spending more and more time alone in his room.  He wasn't showering and he wore filthy clothes.  He wasn't hanging out with his usual crowd.  I caught him drinking alcohol.  His life was spiraling out of control. 

The only place that my son continued to go was to his uncle's house, where a new rock was thrown into the water every time he went there.  As a mother, I will never fully understand why he didn't tell me what was going on in that house, but as a professional I understand that he was brainwashed and numb.  He felt like he was trapped.  He had "allowed" this to happen and now he had to see it through.  He was drawn to the punishment he experienced for being a "dirty boy".  My son felt compelled to reject anything healthy and anyone who treated him well.  He was full of guilt and shame. 

I cringe when I think of how it must have felt to be him all of those years.  My son didn't disclose his abuse until he was 19 years old.  The secret nearly killed him.  I still play the "what if I could have known sooner" game.  In hindsight, I knew full well that my son didn't just wake up with learning disabilities.  I knew that he wasn't just "hormonal".  What if I had listened to my instincts that something was terribly wrong and that my brother-in-law had something to do with the changes in my son? What if I confronted my sister and brother-in-law sooner?  How many conversations did I have with my husband about concerns I had about the environment at my sister's house, yet did nothing?  Why did I, like so many other parents do, talk myself into thinking the pieces of evidence were all coincidental? 

What I have learned is that parents cannot turn away from the ripples.   Each ring is a piece of the puzzle.  Do not be afraid or deterred; the pieces will fit together.  Trust me, not knowing is worse than addressing the painful reality that your child has been hurt.  I didn't "find out" about my son's abuse until he was an adult, although I had known in my gut that something bad had happened to him.  While, at times, I still struggle with my own guilt, I have mostly learned how to let it go.....but if I could do it over again.........

  

Comments

Wed, 02/29/2012 - 17:21 — BlueCascade

Please find solace, in the fact, that once Sam told you about the abuse, you believed him, and you never wavered in your support of him. As a professional, you know how likely it is for family to deny the abuse... I believe it is just easier for them... No one wants to admit something this ugly goes on in their families. If I had one person, in my family, who was willing to fight for me, It would have made such a difference. All good parents, wish they could shelter their children from the bad things... It just isn't possible for us to protect our children from everything, and in my case, I found out it wasn't the best way to parent anyway. You didn't see the abuse Sam was enduring, but that wasn't your fault... The fault lies, as it always should, squarely on the heads of your sister, and brother- in-law. You did the right things, when Sam disclosed. Healing from childhood sexual abuse is not easy, and sometimes feels impossible, but look at Sam now. He has moved forward, and he has some pretty remarkable people on his side. Your family... husband and kids... are intact. You make your way, in this world with humor, and love. I still sometimes struggle with the guilt about how I raised my kids... I did too much for them... I overprotected them, and that has caused some pretty serious consequences for them to deal with, as adults. I have to remember, that I didn't abuse my kids, nor abandoned them, as my mother did, when they needed me most. You didn't know that Sam was being abused, and I bet it kills you every time you think of particular events, now with the understanding that Sam's disclosure gave you... But you did support him, from the very first moment. Give yourself credit for the great gift you gave Sam... Your love. I believe, I will never be free of regret, no matter how healthy I become... I can't imagine a day when I would think, that I was grateful for my past, because it was what made me who I am. There will always be a part of me that asks the question what if...? I like who I am, but would love the opportunity to get where I am without the trials of childhood sexual abuse. I acknowledge that regrets will always be a part of my life.... but you see, my regrets involve things I had no control over. It is the same for you. You may always regret that you couldn't protect Sam, or that you didn't see the abuse, or that you couldn't put a stop to the abuse he endured... Like me, these regrets involve things you had no control over... When you did learn of the abuse, you did the right thing... Not many family members can claim such a thing.

Wed, 02/29/2012 - 20:22 — Sue

I have to totally agree with bluecascade .From all I have read that you have written about, had you ever known, you most certainly would have stopped it in a heartbeat. I have to say,first,I am so deeply sorry you and your son/family had to experience any of this,but,your son is one of the luckiest people on earth to have a mom who stands by his side. What a difference it would make for all of us if even one family member stood by our side and said "we are here for you". I would give anything to have that in my life. You know ,it's funny,my therapist and I where just talking about this same thing. When my abuse started I was about 2-3yrs. old,we know it started with my dads mom,we know my dad was abused by his mom in every way you can abuse a person,we know she was the reason why it started with my oldest brother and I,and I was a sophomore in high school when it stopped. One of the talents we tend to develope is a nack for being able to look at someone and KNOW they where abused. It's just something we tend to develope. We are also the BEST ACTORS in the world as well. So, for the ordinary person who has never experienced this,we can hide it SO well. That is how we have always survived this abuse. I do have a niece ,and he is the dad,one thing I can say with GREAT confidence is,I know he never touched her,I KNOW the signs. My dad NEVER touched me,ya,he beat me,but never sexually abused me,my brother stopped when I stood up and said enough. He had plenty of times to touch me more,never did,I have kept a close eye on my niece and I know she is o.k. My dad has ALL the signs of bieng abused,even to this day,no one else sees it. Your brother in law is at total fault, NOT YOU, EVER!!!!!!! It is true,when it's in the family it can be very hard to see it. Thank god that through your sons recovery with this,he has you here to help,he is so lucky!!!! So,unless you have lived this,I TRUELY believe that even all the training and learning you get to become a therapist doesn't matter, unless you have lived it,chances are ,you won't see the signs. I believe that to be the truth. You really do need to let yourself off the hook. Take this from someone who knows.

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 13:44 — mizzt

 dear karen,

i too have a similar experience to share with you. my son at 14 was having trouble with life,i thought he was just being 14,OMG i STILL remember that day.how awful i feel as a parent NOW!to know what i've been thru didn't stop with me.it wasnt same person but none the less i didnt see it coming!my son and i got into an arguement and he just blurted out"WELL U DONT EVEN CARE THAT I WAS MOLESTED!!" OMG ! it happened to my child! why didnt i see it? how could i NOT notice?i dont even want to admit it,BUT i said "u r just saying that to get me stirred up! " HOW COULD I SAY THAT to MY CHILD? i live with this everyday since,and his ordeal.i dont know how to bring it up to such an aggressive person.his father who was not really ever in his life passed away in 2010 he was a career army man.passed in Kuwait.my son and he had seen each other a few times ,my son is going to be 29 this year.they were JUST really starting to get to know each other when he got the news his father passed of a heart attack and THAT HIT HIM HARD. he never was REALLY kind to his father for what he thinks was leaving him.so his passing was hard on my son bcuz NOW he can NEVER make it up to him for how he treated his father.i feel helpless cuz nothing i say makes my son feel better for this pain of losing his father.then teh molestation issue.NEVER has disrespected me .he doesnt even like it when his friends make yo mama jokes.SERIOUSLY!!! he gets to wanting to fight.but when i really think about THIS,i think THAT getting mad and punching is a way to maybe PUNCH his abuser.i dont know.we have never talked about it.he wont tell me who it was.but assuming the 1 friend who's father was ALWAYS there to LEND A HAND and be a father figure to him,i think i know.wished i could just confront this creep and punch him as HARD as i could for what I KNOW he did to my boy.then a few years ago it was brought up by my neice and my son's wife during 1 of their drinking times that he'd disclosed to them what had happened that night.dont know how many times AFTER that this may have gone on.but now understand why my son drinks and is abusive to his girls' mama.doesnt make it right by ANY means.but i do understand.where my sons anger is coming from. how do WE BOTH heal? where do WE  go from here?i dont know.i wish all of you well and happy.

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 14:27 — Tina

Yes, Karen, trusting your gut seems to be the way to go.  I am so glad that you were the kind of mother who did that.  Also, when you did find out the truth ... you took action to protect and help your son.  He was very lucky to have you as his mother.  As you & I,  and most people on this site know, it doesn't usually go that way.  I believe that I trusted my gut when I was being abused and DID NOT TELL my mother ... until the age of 36, because I knew, deep down, that she wouldn't/couldn/t protect me.  I probably was right, because when I did disclose the abuse to her and the family, (at 36yrs of age) she didn't want to believe me.  She wanted details about what he did to me.  She wanted to know why I didn't  tell her when I was 12 and earlier?  She said she thought of commiting suicide.   Then she finally told me "this is between you and your father" ... it is for you two to fix.!"  What!?  She never did support me or deal with any of it, in any meaningful way   She carried on her life with my step-father.  Both of my parents .. my mom and step-father went to their graves with never having admitted any wrongdoing and certainly never trying to make any of it right.  I was the one with the "problem".  I was just a "troublemaker". 

So ... bless you, Karen .. for living in the truth .. and for trusting your gut. Your son had a chance of dealing with all of this because he had you as his mom.  He just had a chance, period.

 

Mon, 04/30/2012 - 11:24 — mandy280

I am just reading this for the first time today and I am so gad I did. I joined this blog for my own abuse but honestly it was my 13 year old daughters abuse that brought things to the surface for me and prompted me to start activly adressing my own abuse. I was abused as a small child 4-7 years old. I never told and the one time I tried I retracted. I put it behind me so I thought and delt with the after math the best I could.

I was an out of control teen. I drank and I was permiscuouis. At age 18 got pregnant and my whole world changed! I had this beautiful baby girl and a new respect for my self! I had to be a good mother to this precious child and I knew from day one she was sent by God to save me and she did! I got my life together quick for her. God new I could not do it for my self but he knew I would for her.

Her whole early child hood I lived in fear never wanting to let her out of my sight, always on the look out for some creep that might hurt her. As she grew to childhood and had long term friends whos parents I knew well the sleep over quesion would come up. I was able to prevent her from going any where with out me untill she was 9. This brillint young child looked at me during a discusion about why she could not go to the beach with her best friend and said " Mommy I knw you don't want me to go, I knw you are affraid, but its not fair for you to try and make me afraid too." OMG! that floored me! I never said to her some one will molest you but here are the things I would say : No! when that was no longer good enough I would say, well I am affraid they wont watch you well enough, or I don't know them that well, or what if they get into a wreak with you in the car! My excuses were endless.

I knew that day I had to let her be a child. I had educated her throughly on what wrong touching was an the endless possibilities of who could do things like that including family. She and I had spoke many times about what she should do if some one tries or dose touch her inappropratly. I convinced my self to stop being parinoid. I started letting her spend more time with just a few families I knew well. To this day at age 13 she has only been aloud to stay the night at 7 different house holds, 3 of them being family.

Things started changing when she was 11. She became emotional. She would not let her Dad hug her, she withdrew from me. She became very agressive toward her brother. I chalked all this up to hormones. She was still an A student and a hard worker. At 12, this time last year she became even more emotional. Freaking out if she thought I or her father were upset with or disappointed in her. She confided in me that she had thought about cutting or hurting her self.

I could not understand why she would want to do this. She said that when I get upset with her she just gets mad at her self. we talked about this and I explained how much I love her and how it my job as a loving parent to correct her. I told her all kids make mistake and get out of line from time to time and all parents have to adress these things with verbal warnings, restrictions ect..

That was that! She seemed to be getting better. Then out of no where she walked in to my room and flat out told me that her Grandfather had been touching her for almost 2 years! My whole world started spinning! I almost pucked truth be told. I kept myself togerther and put away all feeling. I did not want to scare her with my reaction. That is what happened when I tried to tell. I had her sit down and said "OK, its OK, you are going to be safe now. I will deal with this, it will never happen again, I am so sorry I didnt know.

The point of this is that I thought for sure, because I know first hand about child abuse, I would know if some one hurt my child. I was convinced that becuse I started a dialog with her at age 4 about what a good touch is and what a bad touch is and that she could always feel safe telling me that something like this would never happen. We talked all the time about who she could tell if something would happen to her. I just knew that if some one got past my creep raidar and managed to hurt her, it would only be that one time and she would come running to me!

But she didn't. She waited almost 2 years. She told me later she knew I would belive her and stand behind her. It was the rest of the family. She knew her aunt would not belive her. She knew her Dad would lose his Dad. Hind sight is 20/20. We are all subject to this sort of thing.

 

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.