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Only 4 weeks to go!!!

I have been absent from this site for about a year now. Those of you who remember me will know that after 35 years of living with the effects of the sexual abuse at the hands of my father,I finally found myself in the right headspace to go to the police. Well after 2 years of waiting for the legal wheels to turn in my favour I am finally going to court, in just 4 weeks I get the chance to tell my story to a jury of my peers. This has been a long and difficult journey and is one that I may never have persued had it not been for the years of counselling, and the love and support from my partner, it is also not over by a long stretch of that I am very much aware. I know that no matter what the outcome of the court case I have to start to walk the long and winding path towards healing.

I am currently studying at university and am coming to the end of my second year of a degree in Social Work, so this has been a tough couple of years, with the intense study and the ongoing wait to see if the Crown would find enough evidence to get to court. I would like to say that the police, and support officers have been fantastic. No question has been left un-asked or un-answered! I hope that some day I can help someone else like I have been helped, hence the reason for taking the Degree course. How could I truly advise a young person who has been abused if I didn't do all that I could to deal with my own issues? The tutors say that everyone has a reason for wanting to be a Social Worker usually because of what they have been through in their own lives!

I am extremely nervous about the upcoming trial and going through all of the hurt and anguish again, but hopefully I can start to repair the damage that he has caused throughout my adult life. I still struggle to sleep for fear of the bad dreams, I still struggle with hearing those seasonal pop songs on the radio at Christmas, I still struggle with certain scenes of intimacy on the TV, I still struggle with the weight I gained trying to make myself as unattractive as possible as a teenager and I know that I will struggle to heal but I will never give up. I like many of you have read and been inspired by Stacey's story and I would like to say that because of her and others like her I will fight to be a strong survivor with my own story to tell.

 

Comments

at least you'll put the anxious waiting to see what happens behind you - legal anxiety is a tough stumbling block all by itself !   i think you're wrong about "starting" to walk the long path of healing - it sounds like you've been on that path for a long, long time already (happily  :) and you're reaching the end of merely one of the trials it's set before you.  from the sound of it, you've got a fairly good support structure in place (partner, counselor and legal representation) as well as a promising start on an education and new career PLUS the desire to help future generations in their healing process.  no, Miss Amazon - it sounds like you've got a nice, strong grip on that particular bull and you're gonna ride it like a pro  :)

being nervous about the trial is understandable - its an unknown and you'll be called upon to answer a great many questions that'll make you uncomfortable and upset.... but i think you'll find that time has blunted the worst of its edges, wearing down the worst suffering to a dull ache - it might roar a bit when you poke at it, but it's ability to damage you and make you retreat is largely gone.  triggers, well - that's a burden you'll carry on, but its a familiar weight that you've grown accustomed to.  you've probably learned tricks and techniques to calm yourself down and bring yourself back from that edge - just make sure that your lawyer (barrister ??) or whatever they call your legal representative over there knows to step in and call a temporary recess (breather) if they see you start to founder...

and never forget that the struggles you face are what makes you such a strong person  :)  YOU'VE GOT THIS !  walk in there knowing that what you've already faced is like battling and beating a lion - so don't sweat walking into a room of housecats.  channel your inner Xena (my favorite amazon) and don't back down.  meet them glare for glare if they dare challenge you, and you'll emerge the victor !

good luck, Miss Amazon - and remember that the sisters and i are rooting for you !!

         -M

Thanks Malathon.

I can now say that justice has been done! My father was found guilty on all 12 counts and sentenced to 6 years in prison! It has been a long hard slog......and the waiting, oh my, the waiting has been unbearable at times, but we got there. Finally!!! The Defence Barrister was horrible he spent the whole time that I was giving evidence calling me a liar, which was horrendous!!! Especially as this was my fathers whole defence. My family stood behind him and lied in court, so I am now well and truly off of their Christmas card list!!! No change there then!!! I have my own family now and they are just amazing. I have had the most wonderful support from my partner and lots of other people. I have to now get my head down and finish my degree, get my qualification and then get out there to try and change the world ;-). Thank you to all my sisters for your support whilst going through this.

I will pop back on from time to time, to see how you are all doing.

Thank you

Much love xxx

I'm so glad that you've come out stronger.

From a criminal justice perspective, please understand that the defense attorney was just trying to do his job.  His accusations has nothing to do with you, but protecting his client.  You have plenty of support here, so don't worry about what he or your father thinks.  He was convicted on all twelve counts, so that's what they get for calling you a liar.

Remember that family isn't people to whom you're necessarily related.  They're the ones that are there for you when others aren't.  Don't forget us because we're your sisters, too.  I'm glad you've found us and the other support.

Finish your degree and change the world.  The sky is your limit.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.