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I've had some changes in the past year. I've finished my Bachelor's degree. I've started my first job in my field of study (and I'm really excited about it). I'm also doing research to one day affect change in the world. I still need money for that to happen, so we'll see where I go.
My dad didn't come to my university graduation because he was recovering from an operation. His illness has recently gotten worse. He's lost a significant amount of weight (so much so as I almost didn't recognize him when I saw him recently) and he seems to have let things go that were once ver near and dear to his heart.
I saw him recently because it's the end of his life. To be honest, I miss the dad that I want him to be; however, he's the same charming self that he's been my entire life. He seemed to miss me, though, and was really surprised to see me.
I'm feeling a lot of things right now. A person to whom I should mean the world is dying, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in having a relationship with me. Maybe he's in denial. Maybe he's angry with himself. Maybe he has something to prove to himself. I will never know.
It wasn't until I was writing this blog that I realized that my feelings don't really have anything to do with me. I'm not living a life of regret for leaving my family and never seeing my children. I don't have anything to prove to anyone except myself.
I'm not going to say that I'm not angry because I am. I can feel the energy in me. Why I'm angry is something that I'm trying to resolve. I don't feel anger towards my dad because he's living his own life and I'm living mine. Quite frankly, I really don't care what he does with his life because I'm happy with where I've gotten so far, although I hope to really make a difference in the world some day.
I'm not sure what to feel right now. Should I have these feelings of anger, anxiety, and depression now? I'm trying to find a way to channel my energy into something positive.
Any advice would certainly be appreciated.
About Stacey Lannert
Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.