Has Abuse Affected Your Sexual Choices?
Posted June 24th, 2009 by BelieveinAngels
I just wanted to open a discussion on how sexuality, intimacy, relationships, friendships, being gay, bi-sexual or straight has helped a survivor to heal and move forward in her life?
Is sex love? Is sex abuse? Is sex just sex? What secrets are you keeping?
Know someone in the closet? Pride Parade is coming up. Come out, come cout wherever you are and support the gay and proud in St. Louis, Missouri.
Always believe in angels!
DJ DEB
Comments
Is sex love?
No, sex is not love. Sex is a physical act. Paraplecics love, and they are unable to have sex.
no sex is not love
It depends on if said sex occurs between consenting parties. Right now I believe sex can be an expression of love. It is a physical act that may occur as a result of loving someone. Sex can also be simply a pleasurable act in the expression of anger, rage, hate, frustration, violence, or drug induced ignorance such as in the case of rape. And unfortunately some people are so ignorant, they are unable to differentiate who they shoud and shoud not have sex with, like daughters and granddaughters, nieces, neighbors' children, sex slaves, etc.
Damn skippy
you hit the nail on the head with that one. My father claims the abuse happened becaused he was under the influence of alcohol. Being in a nurturing monogamous relationship and knowing that even when we don't "have sex" we are still making love just by holding and genuinally loving eachother. it took me a hell of a long time to figure out the difference in my own head. The sickening feeling of incest still creeps like bile into my throat but it will not defeat me. I fight it every day with the real love I feel for myself and others. Sexual or not!Being Bi-gay straight, transgendered is not a choice for many people. They have a right to love who they choose. I myself have had many Bi experiences, but I can tell you ALL of them were alcohol related. Not only did I have to fight the abuse I also had to battle with my own addictions that were mainly manifested due to the abuse. how messed up is that. like its not enough I'm already messed up, let's throw some grease on that fire.Either way I didn't think this was a forum for gay pride. (previous post that initiated this one) I thought it was about healing.
I agree with you about a
I agree with you about a touch meaning so much. While I was incarcerated we would get in trouble for touching, even on a visit with a family member. It got to the point where I was (am) paranoid about touching. So not only does it set bells off when I am touched, now I have to tell myself it is okay to touch others.
Touch
I can understand your point made. I could never be touched (only if I drank alcohol). I used to be somewhat permiscuous - only having sex when I was drunk. Now I have a partner I love so much, but we never have sex. I am bothered by this - I know it is because I don't want to initiate it. I don't want to resent my parnter. I feel it's just one of the many phases of consequences due to a rape victim. Patience is a virtue.
~ gl
Re: Touch
Ever since I was young I have not liked anyone touching me. Touching was always associated with inappropriate touching. Still to this day, I have to prepare myself for even my kids to give me a hug or want their hand held. My husband always thought this was odd, but waited for me to tell him in my own way. He suspected I was abused and told me that was why he thought I was such an angry person. I never thought this about myself before he brought it up. I thought I had been hiding that part of me so well. I wish I could learn to block out or forget what happened to me over 20 years ago. Anyone have any ideas????
Sexual Choice
I believe being abused is the reason I am bi.I'm engaged to a man but hate it.If I could be with a woman forever I would.I do believe that if this never happened I would be completely straight.
You better re-think your engagement!
Girl! Listen to me - if you are not happy with your man now, you never will be. You have to be happy with yourself and if being with a woman makes you happy go for it. you will regret it later if you don't. I have a lot of friends that are gay and bi. But just because they are with the same sex does not mean abuse does not occur. Healthy realationships start with YOU being healthy. Regardless of whether or not you are with a woman or a man you need to heal some of those old wounds. I know they are like a scab you keep picking at , but if you quit picking and let them heal they will become a scar, a scar you can look at and say " I remember where I got that."' and move on. It will consume you if you don't. Please, don't think I am preaching. I want the best for you and your happiness. Maybe you would be completely straight if you were never abused, but you were-don't continue the abuse by not letting yourself experience happiness. You are in control of your own bliss right now and I suggest you follow it. - love in any form is good but like I said before you have to be willing to accept love from others in any form. (friendships, sexual relationships, family) hope this helps.
Amy
If you recognize that the
If you recognize that the abuse triggered the homosexual feelings, do you think therapy could help you reverse that process? It is worth a shot. I have become a lot more tolerant and open minded as I get older about same sex relationships. If someone feels they were born gay and really loves their partner, who am I to judge? But when I see someone as conflicted as you, I am inclined to think you really aren't gay but are just turning to that lifestyle as a protective measure. Be true to yourself. If you WANT a hetersexual lifestyle then get some help to make that possible.
has abuse affected your sexual choices?
Yes. When one associates sex with violence, it's hard to overcome that.
My heart goes out to you Jenn
You can't block it out, or forget it permanently. If you try it will come back and hit you when you least expect it. Kind of like getting hit in the side of your head with a 2X4. You can get to the point where it effects you less and less however. You have to get through it...not over it. You need to talk about it. Therapy is best, but if that option is not available to you... find a trusted friend. Your husband may not be the best option because he is so close to you. Talk about what happened... about how it made you feel... about how you feel about it today. Write about it... in a journel... or here. It hurts like H@#&, and somtimes you want it all to just stop... but when you talk about it enough, you will heal. It loses it's hold on you... you are no longer paralyzed by it... When something happens to remind you about it... it is still painful, but less. It will always be a part of who you are, but it will lose any power it may have over you. I wish you healing and peace.
re:Has Abuse Affected Your Sexual Choices?
Abuse has definitley had an effect on my sex life, from the time I became sexually active (voluntarily) I tended to only have sex and physical relations with those who viewed me as a sexual object.
Older women, those who would barter for my "services" by helping out with the rent, take me on trips, buy me clothes etc.. I was frequently "kept"
I did attempt romantic relationships with women sometimes but I did not have any trust for people who did not have a very clear, easily identifiable agenda and "love" did not fall into that category.
Why would someone be interested in me for me? I am an object right? besides I must be a bad person or the abuse would not have happened and if someone tells me they love me and care for me then they must be lying or at the very least ignorant of who I am and the fact that I am undeserving.
So this led me to only be comfortable with those who would use me as an object.
I am fortunate that my wife is very patient about this now that she knows the score, my usual pattern is that I will act on my normal sex drive in the begining of the relationship and then as time passes to lose interest in sex not just with my partner but altogether.
It's a tough road but now that I see my own pattern I can work on it, I am fortunate to have a partner who is patient and thinks I am worth it.
I am eternally grateful for her :)
Nope! - but intimacy & gender identity? YES
Not for me it has. It did change I guess, how I was able to express myself intimately with men but alot of stuff was too blocked & scared to come out for a long time. When I hit age 25 I'd had enough & made the honest decision to change how I was expressing my sexuality. OMG, if you have not read it?, go to the library, "Survivor's Guide To Sex" (Haines)! That book friggin' saved my sex life, Woo Hoo! LOL
Having said that, since I was abused by my mother, I was never able to open-up & have those friendships that other women have stories of. I never cuddled with my girlfriends, all giggling, watching scary movies during sleep-overs. As a teenager I was never one to hug my girlfriends, or in my twenties be how truly silly young girls can be, joking & grinding against each other with their friends at bars to make boys laugh. I was always shut down & frightened if anyone touched me.
Now, I still get stressed out if a female reaches out to soothe me if I disclose something or if I cry. But as I blogged in other topic, my karaoke bunch of friends have opened a space for me where I have healed. Boyfriend (***Stacey: I hope you can come up to Ottawa, Ontario & meet us someday, & see Canada's capital!) lets me be when I am around my club friends & tells me he's seen me slowly open-up over the years. I can now sit close to a female friend without having a meltdown. One close friend is cute about it, "May I touch you?", that makes me smile. On my birthday they all "asked permission" from Clint while I was singing, "Can we all rush her, hug her, & join her singing?" So I am slowly letting other "pink people" get physically close to me.
What did get 100% screwed-up in my head though was my gender; I have a mild case of gender dysproia (& when I found-out there was a term for it, & there were other people like me, that was such a weight off my shoulders!). I did NOT & still get squirrely, if someone calls me a "female", "girl", "woman", etc. I've actually had a cute moment in class, sitting with my guy friends, when the Prof said she needed another female for the role play, called me, & I looked around myself confused?, "-but you need a..?, Oh no, right! Sorry!" (You can laugh - I gigled while typing!) - I had just made such a nexus in my head of "Female = Sex Offender" & most of my female friends at that point were vicious young women (plus there was a horrendous case in my city by a female sex offender), so it just was pile ontop of pile of reasons why I balked.
Once again, boyfriend & good-ol' "Sex & The City" greatly helped me see that there is not the cookie-cutter idea of what it means to be "pink". I've got my jeans, my '89 Red Sox coat, I'm known for that, I was management on the senior boys football team in high school - but now, with my little karaoke group, I'm known for all that... plus tiny, cute purses (just small ones, we don't want anyone thinking I'm a GIRL now do we?, a big purse would be a blaring indicator! *wink*). So I am getting there. It still stings when my mother gets in my face about how I do not dress right, don't wear make-up, "insist on making myself look ugly" with either clothes or haircut choices, & it stings.... for a moment. But I have grown into, over the past 8 years, an idea of "pink" that I want to be.
I still get right-freaked-out by being near too many women for too long, but I now have the self esteem to walk out, get some air, call a guy friend, or grab a "safe" female friend to take a break with for a moment if there's too much estrogen flying about for me! I just know how to manage all of this a bit better now & know it's a "Me" thing, not something I necessarily need to change since it really doesn't effect me life too drastically. I'm stronger now to walk away & take care of myself if I have a meltdown.
So, that's me. Thanks for listening.