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Mixed up

Sun, 04/29/2012 - 12:31 — laverite3

So since I've told my family that I've had suscipions (for close to 20 years) that Dad may have also sexually abused me, things have been tense, understandably.  Everyone seems to be minimizing my feelings and my concerns that Dad should be watched around the kids in the family.  The fact that I have no control over my siblings protecting their kids from my dad is eating me up.  My dad has poor judgement in general and tends to do stupid things for attention.  I was always fearful of my father because he had an anger problem and was verbally and physically abusive towards me and my siblings.  There are a few memories of him that made me feel wierd and make me feel as though he sexually violated me in some way.  I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I didn't warn my family to please be cautious/aware of dad's whereabouts around the kids and then God forbid down the road if my nieces and nephew came to me and said that he abused them.  But now things are so tense and they want to sweep it under the rug and move on, and sadly in a way so do I, just to get back to normal and to not feel so alone during this.  Sometimes the self doubt creeps in and I wonder if I made a rash decision, but I followed the advice of my therapist whom I trust her experience and that I felt I had to do in order to break the silence.  I do feel badly that everyone is going through pain now, and somehow I feel responsible for it which really makes me irrate...why do I always seem to accept the blame for EVERYTHING!  I've decided to take a break from talking to my family to several times a week to just once a week.  How do I continue in a relationship with them that I feel comfortable with?  Is it wrong for me to be angry/sad at them for not really understanding me and not wanting to talk with them more regularly right now?  I know the answer is no, but I still feel awful for causing them pain.  But I think I need to be more concerned about the kids' feelings in this family versus the adults' feelings.  I know I'm all over the place.  Any thoughts/encouragement is greatly appreciated.

Comments

Sun, 04/29/2012 - 15:54 — Sue

Wow what a tough situation to have to be in. First, I wanted to say,how brave it was of you to tell your family!!!!!!! If you feel like you may have been abused by your father,then trust it. We don't "make up"this kind of abuse. It is SO terrifying to have lived any of this. Hopefully your therapist will be able to help you through your suspicions. One thing I know I have always done as a survivor is,kept that distance between me and my abuse. I still do it,till I can't. It's how we get through each day. We wouldn't be able to otherwise. I had a lot of dought in myself and my memories as well,and I don't remember almost any of my childhood,so, it's easy for me to say it didn't happen,till one day I found some pictures of me and my family,it made my whole world so real. I was holding memories in my hand,that I have no memory of,it was creepy,but it told me, this really did happen to me and no,I wasn't making it up. So,even though parts of you believes it may not have happened,the parts that believe it did,unfortunatly, are probably right. Now,as far as protecting the kids,if you truly suspect your dad is still capable of doing this,and no one really believes you, if it where me,I would have to turn him in to protect the kids. You may not feel like you can do that,but,and I don't want to get you upset and I apologize if I do,someone NEEDS to protect them and be their voice. We NEVER had that,we just had to take it. You have the power to stop the cycle. Again ,if I overstepped ANY boundrys or upset you in any way,I deeply apologize . One other thing,IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that this happened to you. Survivors tend to blame ourselves for everything. I still do it, but ,non of this is your fault and I truly hope that one day you will see that. This is ALL your dads fault!!!! Whoever steels our innocence and childhood,they are ALWAYS the ones to blame,ALWAYS!!! Please take care of yourself and be proud of who you are,you did a great thing by telling your family. One last thing,as long as you belong to this site,YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 04/29/2012 - 20:52 — Aries412

Protection was your only thought, not hurting anyone by telling how you feel or what you suspect, for that I admire you. I was not able to tell and had that terrible secret for a long time. Like Sue said, that was very courageous and this is not a supressed memory that you can make up, if it didn't really happen, the "memory" would have holes in it that were never answered. Sounds to me that you have suppressed the memory so deeply that you are only getting glimpes of what happened. I wish you the best on the journey to healing, but my mom always said, when it comes to feelings, those are yours and no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong......feeling the need to protect is a very real feeling for most survivors....good luck!!

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.