My friends and family held a surprise birthday party for me last Saturday night. I have no idea how they pulled it off. I can usually unearth any plans made for surprises, and my sister did almost give it away. Yet, when I walked in the door, totally unsuspecting, I just about peed my pants when they yelled, “SURPRISE!” I did jump back in fright. Was that really fair to do to a woman who spent the last 18 years in prison?

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

The rollercoaster pulled itself up the wooden track, defying gravity with the help of heavy chain and wheels. Click, click, click, click, click, up the hill.

Nothing, hands up in the air, sudden drop. Wind in my face. Scared, amazed, thrilled, terrified. Did I just scream? Wind in my face, rushing, speeding, no thought, turn, thrown against the side of the car, turn again. Did I just giggle? Flying, rushing, free, free, free.

Hi from New Jersey. I'm here learning how to do more of the technical aspects of our website. It's wonderful to see this website--what I dreamed of--taking shape and growing daily. I'll be back home tomorrow.

I went to Six Flags last weekend, which was a return to my childhood dream place. I lived for the day when my parents would tell me we were going there. I would not be able to sleep for days beforehand due to excitement and the mere hint that I might not get to go if I misbehaved was enough for me to wear angel wings until the trip.

Stacey is here in New Jersey with me this week. I'm very lucky to have her company. She is working hard on her future plans. Stay tuned. Stacey will be back at Healing Sisters tomorrow.

We are so thrilled to read the notes you've sent, and we'll write back soon. In the meantime, I hope you're getting a taste of the beautiful spring weather we had here on a day trip to New York City. Central Park was breathtaking.

A very caring family Doctor asked me when my abuse started, I said at conception. My mother was starving and being beaten. That had to impact my nervous system development. I was beaten,watched my mother being beaten. By age four she had left me with a neighbour,in a backwoods community in Nova Scotia. No wittnesses,no help. I was left with a psychopath,she beat me,molested me and loaned me out. Her husband continued the sexual abuse my biological father had started. I was tortured,being put in shallow graves to show me what could be done to me. I had to watch animals being tortured. I have flicks of memories,never whole pictures. My brother age 2 and my sister a newborn were taken with my Mother. I always felt inheritently worthless,what made them special.

Thank you to those who responded to my last blog. To say the least there is some comfort in reading others comments and knowing Stacey opened this communtiy up for Our healing. There are times when we all need to feel there are others out there in this vast world who know what We have been through. Thank you.

It is the night time that I struggle with the most. At 42 years old, one would think that I am no longer afraid of the dark or what lurks in the darken shadows of the night. I still feel that fear when I step outside my door. Sometimes all I have to do is walk by an open window and that same fear engulfs me.

There are many times I make myself believe that I can no longer be hurt. I feel empowered through knowledge and truth. I know the difference and can verbally expose that unspoken truth that lingers in the background. Then one day, I fall apart again. I face the fact that I place a facade in front of my smile; I hide behind the laughter that is fake. No one knows the fake laughter because I have offered it so often that it has become real to others. I feel that darken corner of my soul is safe until the next break down. I know the truth about that time in my past. It feels like yesterday. I also know that there is only me to open up to. No one else wants to listen.

True Grit.

That is the best way to describe Stacey's spirit as she appeared on Oprah. I thought her sensitivity and triumph through forgiveness was evident and most inspirational.

I liked the way she answered Oprah. She wasn't afraid to state what she knows about herself; answers without shame. Stacey is a woman who has looked within and her repsonses showed that she knows herself.

Is this not the ultimate quest and ultimate reward? To know thyself?!

As one can probably imagine, I was starved for attention while I was incarcerated. Have you ever seen Birdman from Alcatraz or The Green Mile? You know those crazy characters that adopt unusual pets? That was me.

I was always bringing animals into my prison room that I knew I could not keep. I brought in frogs, a baby bunny, a bird with a broken wing, a kitten, baby turtles and even a lightening bug. These creatures all had one thing in common: I called them Buddy. I gave each the same name because I knew that I could not keep them. And I could've gone into the hole for smuggling in the animals.

Some things were worth the risk.

Need help? Here are places to get started. Also, licensed abuse counselors have volunteered to answer your questions and to monitor our forums. Keep checking back, we're constantly adding new resources to help you.