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Higher Power

*This is a response I gave to someone earlier this week, but I have noticed a few comments about this issue and thought it might be fitting.

It would be unnatural not to blame God at some point in our lives. We are taught that He works miracles, is all about love, etc. I had many, many battles with faith. I can't tell you the exact day I stopped blaming God, but I can tell you about the rush of warmth and love I felt when I accepted that it was not His fault.

Free will is powerful and people abuse it every second of every minute. Angels do not rush in to save the innocent from their evil. I wish they did.

When we are hurt so badly by someone more powerful than us it is natural to blame the one being we believe might be more powerful than our abuser  and of course that blame would go to God. He has big shoulders, so He can take it.

This is not a religious site, every one is entitled to their own opinion about the existence of a Higher Power or their resistance of one, we are not here to judge. However, I would like to tell you that when I gave up being angry at God and let Him into my life it changed me. I found myself letting go of past hurts, being conscious of my actions, and became a better human being.

Anyone who knows my story realizes that I have every right to believe I was handed a miracle. I walked out of prison gates that were supposed to locked forever six days after one man signed a piece of paper that changed my life.

I wanted God to make the abuse stop and it didn't. I was angry at Him, He could have helped me. He should have helped me. Why didn't he send angels to save me? Why didn't he stop my dad, why didn't he stop me? I have felt the anguish of the unanswered pleas, the desperate prayers.I have also felt the peace of love, I have felt the healing of forgiveness, and the promise of the future.

I see how every positive thing that I am today is because of a step that  came before it or because of a wonderful person who was placed in my path - my attorney was my public defender (she was not originally assigned to my case and my file landed on her desk) and after I lost my appeal she requested permission to continue on my case in a quest for clemency (on her own time). She was my attorney for 16 years, 16 long years - for free.

I only found my voice because of the work I did with the Outreach Program while I was in prison. I never would have been able to bare my soul the way I have had I not been in that place, at that time. Talking to others who I could see walking the same path as me taught me to speak.

God was not my enemy, He was leading and I did not realize I was following, but I am certainly glad I did.

Comments

Wow did you just trigger some memories for me big time!!!! I get exactly what you are saying and as a child I use to have a strong belief in god, that died along with whoever I was when my abuse happened. I use to blame god,but as I have grown, now I don't,but I don't have a belief in any god either. I'm not sure it will ever change,your words are very powerful, but for now, I just go one day at a time. Most of my blame goes to my brother as well as my dad,I am still struggling with myself as well,trying to learn to get through that as well.

Dear Stacey: You said ...."Anyone who knows my story realizes that I have ever right to believe I was handed a miracle."....

I was so taken aback by that statement. I started crying. I expected you to say.....

"Anyone who knows my story realizes that I have ever right to hate God for not being there for me....I'm so pissed off that he didn't listen to my constant prayers. How can YOU, God, not help me!! What did I do to YOU? What did I do to anyone to deserve this?!"

I believed in God, I just thought He hated me, which angered and hurt me even more.

Stacey, you are golden. Your accepance and wisdom and gratitude are amazing. truly a How do you do this?

I found it very difficult for a long time. Until one day, I forgave GOD. Then we started being friends and I learned all about free will. It is truly a double-edged sword, but it is a necessary part of us if we really want to find faith. And although it has taken years understand this, it truly is the only way I've been able to stay alive.

Otherwise I would have died long ago, with the same deep dark resentment in my soul. To forgive GOD made Him real, He talked to me. He told me why things are, which I can't really explain here.

But suffice it to say, He helped me see that I have a mission on Earth that is like no other's. The more trials and tribulations we overcome, the stronger and solid we become. Every single day I have choices, and I don't always choose well.

In fact, I'm not doing  that great right now. But I don't blame God anymore. I don't blame anyone except my father, who rightfully deserves the blame. He destroyed my ability to have true happiness deep within me. He ruined so much of me.  

Thank GOD, (seriously, GOD) HE set me free of having to forgive the monster. HE told me that I could stop worrying  about that. HE told me that the "F" thing  was HIS job and HE"D take care of that for me, for now. What a load off!! That's when I really started loving GOD and trusting HIM more and more.

Thank you so much for being my friend.

Love, Susan

Let me  start by telling a little about myself. I was only 12  when my step father started abusing me. This went on for 3 years. Sexual abuse almost every day he made me have sex and perform oral sex on him. And that was not all he mentally abused me also. I told my twin sister about what was going on as I could not live with it any more. I was at a all time low. I just wanted god to let me die! I prayed every day that I would just die! We went oto church every Sunday and  I believed in god an dhe would answer one day! He did answer just not take me home to heaven but he gave me a twin to save me! He got arrested plead guilty and did 2 yrs of a 12 year sentence. But to make it worse my mom remarried him afer he got out! I was so CRUSHED! That was when for the first time god showed me what "Foot Prints" ment! That when I felt all alone I was indeed being CARRIED by my wonderful SAVIOR! HE NEVER LEFT ME!!!! That is when he carried me as I was so weak I could not even stand! Had it not been for the lord I would have took my life in 1993! I have had to fight to be a SURVIOR! The lord had his way in 1998 my step dad died of brain cancer. For once I felt FREE! It made it easier to let the fear go and know now once and for all it was over! He could never hurt me again! But little did I know the battle just started. I had to heal from what was left in side! Only god can HEAL! But you have to be ready! Today I am so much better. I have a great husband and I serve the lord and life is good! Took a long time to get here though! I am proud of you Stacey! I know I felt like you did. One day I was just like you. I wanted him to die! And he did just not when I wanted but when god wanted!

 

 

 

Your words have touched a part of my soul that I thought died a long time ago.  I'm typing through the tears, as I realize I still have not forgiven the evil man who stole my innocence at four years old.  It was not my father, nor even a family member, but I did know him.  I have Jesus in my heart and in church most of my life, since I was 6 weeks old, so God has been the one constant.  However, I didn't blame God for what happened to me.  Instead, I felt guilty because I didn't trust Him to take care of me.  I felt guilty because I thought I had done something wrong.  I felt guilty because I wanted to take my own life several times, a life that God had created and expected me to do something with. And I felt guilty because I made my parents sad...or atleast I thought.  

I now know I do not have rights to the guilt and I owe blame to the bad man.  God has carried me through a lot I'm miserable without Him.  But, in reading your post I see I have quite a way to go to get my life in order.  I'm hoping that by connecting with others who share my pain, I can begin to finally move forward with my life and find a different freedom than I've known the last 36 years.  Thank you, Stacey for sharing your journey with us.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.