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Stacey Lannert's blog

Believing in Me/Self-Sabotage

I am posting a day early because college classes begin again tomorrow and I will have my first day of classes.  New schedule, new classes, new excitement, and yet new fears.  I wonder if there will always be a small voice that whispers, "You can't."

Our Many Moods

There are times when for no real reason I will get in a "mood".  I will feel surly, angry, or depressed, let's just call it "the blahs".  If asked, I could not begin to tell you what the root cause is, I just know it is there.  I have found that by trying to explain it at times it just makes it worse, because I can't quite put my finger on it.  I believe hormones play a part, so does stress, and exhaustion. 

Misplaced Anger

Many times it is easier to transfer the anger you feel from the person who abused you onto another person. For me, I transferred the feelings of hate and anger I had towards my father onto my mother. It was easier to blame her for not protecting me than it was for me to accept that my own father would hurt me so deeply, so brutally. I could not face what was happening to me, I didn't have any type of perspective, no way to put it into context. Anger that I had never felt before welled up within me and consumed me. 

Some People Will Never Understand

I think we pulled all of the posts by the tv producer who invaded the site today. It was apparent she did not believe she was overstepping any bounds since she posted her full name (unlike the people who try to post Viagra ads).  I think that some people will just never really get how private and intense our feelings about this issue are. 

Is Abuse an Excuse?

As a victim of abuse, we do, see and react to things differently than people who have never suffered abuse. We become emotionally numb. We fit into social scenes with surprising skill. We learn how to pretend; we learn how to ignore the terrible things happening around us and to us. We have a ton of coping mechanisms that see us through. Something so terrible could have happened the night before, yet no one around would be the wiser because we are great at hiding.

Finding Your Voice

Finding your voice is one of the first steps in moving from victimization to survivor.  As a victim, we are used to being quiet.  Our voice escapes us, especially when we need it the most.  We deal with things and people that we would rather not because we have a hard time saying what they really think.

Reflections on the Past

Over the past three years my life has been through numerous changes. The changes have come swiftly, so fast that many times I have not had time to think about them.The one thing that has not changed is my past. No matter how much I want to change the past, it never will change. I fought against this reality for the first decade and slowly began to settle into the reality of it during the second decade.  

How I Cope with Painful Memories

In the middle of the night, my body will waken much quicker than my mind will. I wake up, muscles stiff as a board, my body tense. It takes me a moment to realize where I am and that I am safe. It has been over 21 years since the last time I was raped at night in my own bed, yet my body still remembers all these years later.  

Joy Behar Tonight

Hi everyone,

Just a quick note to let you know I'll be interviewed on The Joy Behar Show tonight. The episode is in correlation to the Casey Anthony trial, and I'm going to be an expert talking about what it's like in prison.

It airs on HLN at 10 p.m. ET. (It's usually the channel next to CNN.)

Thanks for all of your support. I hope everyone is well this week.

It Boils Down to Choice

A few nights ago, I had dinner with a friend a few nights ago and she asked me, "How do you not allow the past to rule your life?"  HUGE question, but it only took a moment of reflection before I answered, "Choice."


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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.

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